


Claustrophobia

by Wxlves



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, English assignment, Feels, Isaac's dead, Language, M/M, but he doesn't die in the fic, references to past abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-27 19:51:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12088176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wxlves/pseuds/Wxlves
Summary: Scott's english teacher gives them an assignment, "write about something that wasn't what you thought it was"This is written to be his essay





	Claustrophobia

Scott McCall

English 3

M. O'Brian

09/13/17

Claustrophobia  


           I'd always thought of it as fear of tight spaces, a need to be in the open. This is how it is for most people, how it was for him. I've learned how much worse it can be. It's not a lack of air brought on by a tight space, it's the lack of air brought on by the crushing feeling, pressing against my chest, shattering my ribs and squeezing my heart. When you can't breathe, you can't speak, you can't cry or scream. It's when you remember what you never told him, those three words that wouldn't have changed anything, but would have still changed so much. 

  


         I fear it, that crushing feeling. I often think it would be better to be numb, to not feel anything. I'm scared to walk into his room, see the clothes haphazardly strewn about, as though he'll be back any day. His towel still hangs on the hook in the bathroom, and I'm terrified of the fact that, never again, will he come walking out of the bathroom, towel around his waist and steam billowing out behind him, and never again will he grin and tease me about how, "he wears just the towel to make me jealous of his superior physique." The crushing feeling follows me, all day every day, and I fear it like I've feared nothing before. I can hardly go into the front closet in our house, where his jacket and scarf still hang, filling my nose with his scent, which fades with each passing day.

  


        Suffocation is the worst way to die, it must be if it's so prolonged. It gives you time to realize what's happening, time to think back on everything you've done and everything you wish you've done. What I should have done differently that night. Maybe what I should have done to the assholes who mugged us in the alley, who thought they had the right to take a life like that. Remembering that night always makes the crushing feeling stronger, unbearable. 

  


        It's always there, but certain things make it harsher, make it press harder. The front closet, remembering that night, his empty room, they all do it, but the one surefire way to give it more strength than ever is to remember _him_. His grey eyes that seemed dark, until he'd laugh, and suddenly you'd swear they're not grey, they're blue. His laugh, too. That hurts to remember. His smile, how wide his grin had stretched across his face the day Deaton showed him how to help with people's pain. He always loved helping people, he'd destroy himself to help a stranger. I think that stems from what his father put him through, making him feel like he's worth less than other people

  


      That's another thing I wish I had told him, that he was worth just as much as anyone. To me, he was more than that, he was the world. I wish I had told him that too. I remember when the thought of going to a different college from him was unbearable. The wishing is one of the worst parts.

  


      But hindsight is 20/20, and wishing won't make it happen. The one thing that scares me more than this suffocation is what will happen when it's gone. All I can do is focus on surviving the pain, the crushing feeling. But what will happen when that's gone? I'm terrified of being angry, of letting everything go to hell out of spite. I'm terrified of being swallowed by the tide of the world, and not giving a damn because he's not in it. And what will happen if it never goes away? Because eventually, enough is enough, and but I never want to have enough, because when that happens, I'll be tempted to join him. And that would hurt those around me in the same way he hurt me.

  


         Claustrophobia is being suffocated by your grief, by the souls of the dead. By the feeling that the world will never, ever be the same again. Someone once told me, _you fall in love more than once._ I don't think I will ever fall in love again. He gave me enough love for three lifetimes, and I tried my hardest to return that. Most of all though, I don't want to fall in love again. I don't want to feel, once again, how I did with him. I don't want this suffocating pain to go away because I don't want to be happy in a world without him. Without Isaac. 

**Author's Note:**

> Explanation-
> 
> Isaac died fighting the Oni. Their cover story for Allison being killed in the show was that they were mugged, I'm using that as the cover story here


End file.
